Pages

Saturday, May 12, 2012

May 11, 1999

It was one month after I arrived home from two weeks in France on exchange.  I had missed my mom so much while I was gone, but she sent me several cards and letters in that short time frame.  If only I knew that it was preparing me for being away from her forever.  I came home from school that day and called her at work to check-in and tell her that I loved her, just like I did every day.  She came home from work and started dinner (meatloaf, which I still can't eat to this day).  Liz & I both fell asleep, which I truly believe was because we weren't meant to see what happened next.  collapsed on the floor in the bathroom... unresponsive... waiting for the ambulance... waiting in a private waiting room for news of what happened...  massive brain aneurysm...  ICU...
She was sustained on life support for just a week before we were told that she was now brain dead...
We were told she was a candidate for organ donation and were asked to decide what the next step would be...
She left at a time that was supposed to be so happy for me, the very end of my senior year of high school... but through her death she gave life to other families hoping for their miracles...

My prom was in just weeks, but luckily we had finally found a dress just a few short weeks before after searching for what felt like forever...
My high school graduation was coming up in just a month, how would I make it through without her there taking pictures like she always did... but guess what?  I was blessed enough to have so many others to step in and fill the void... and we all made it through...  we were numb...

For her 3 daughters, she missed 2 high school graduations, 3 college graduations, 2 weddings and the birth of 4 grandchildren.  But through all of those milestones, we were blessed with others in our lives who stepped in and filled the void.

However, now that I have children of my own... I long to ask her the questions that only a mother could answer... did I do this or that? what did you do when this happened? Unfortunately, as hard as I try... no one can completely fill that void in my life... and it hurts...

I also finally see how much she truly loved me (which may sound strange).  Of course I knew she loved me very much, but until I actually had kids... I didn't understand how much love she had for me, because it is truly a very different, unexplainable kind of love...

I watch Summer growing up (not that it's not similar with Cole, it's just that she's so much like me) and I feel like it must be just like my mom watching me grow up.  It makes me so happy to watch that happen, but so sad that she isn't here to help me through this journey and enjoy her grandchildren.  I am the person that I've become because of her and because I lost her.  Losing her shaped a large part of the person that I am today... how different would I be if she was still here??

It's been 13 years without her... the person that I was closest with and I don't know why all of the sudden I am having a much more difficult time this year than in recent years past.  I can't exactly explain why...

We've had a similar loss this year within our family and sometimes watching someone else experience the same pain that you once did seems as though you are watching yourself go through it all over again.  It's as if you spent all of those years winding a bandage tightly around the wounds, only to have it ripped right off when you least expect it...

I'm having painful flashbacks that I actually don't think I could have remembered that clearly one month after losing her yet now I find myself remembering so vividly on my commute that it leaves tears streaming down my face...

I feel very blessed still.  I don't wish that it happened to someone else instead of her, because I wouldn't wish the pain on anyone else.  Losing her brought people into my life that I might never have had the opportunity to meet.  Losing her meant many families received more time with their loved ones because she gave them the ultimate gift... the gift of life!  How could I wish that didn't happen for them.  But that doesn't change how much I miss her and how I wish she didn't have to leave us.  I am blessed to have those people in my life whether they've been there from the beginning or that I met along the way that have helped to fill the void that was left behind when I lost her...  I hope you all know how much you mean to me and how I wouldn't get through any day without all of you <3

2 comments: